I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
