Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
