i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
