Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
