I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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