you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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