i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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