Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
