i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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