I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
