I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
