We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
