I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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