Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
