Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
