Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
