I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
