I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
