hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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