What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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