i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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