We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I currently don't understand fingers.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
