yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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