____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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