Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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