So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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