can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
