I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
