I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
