So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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