My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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