I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
