I intend to get homeless drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
