I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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