Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is it because I queefed?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My ass is underappreciated
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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