Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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