i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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