nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
