I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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