Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
