Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
