Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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