ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
