So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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