I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
