It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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