I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
