Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
