I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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