pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
