Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
