Michael Bay diarrhea
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
is that a dick in a sweater?
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