my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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