I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My feet surprised me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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