In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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