i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
