Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh god it's open bar.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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