She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
