My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
